life is mean to me- and it hurts
Aug. 26th, 2015 11:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smirkingcatso yeah- i'm truly fucked
last night i somehow managed to hit myself at the wooden frame that makes out my bed in sleep... i lost a quarter of a tooth that i must have swallowed, it bleeds, it hurts and my dentist (one dealing with anxiety patients) is on holiday till the 4th at which time i will be on holiday till the 13 so i have to wait and sit it out- because her replacement is just a regular dentist (at least she warns for that)
yesterday morning i went back to my doctors - and they have no clue what is wrong with me, because my blood is a ok
it's just i have to calculate that in the mornings it takes me roughly an hour to manage to get up from lying down to sitting, that i will be dizzy, and that i can't eat till the dizziness is going away (which may take another hour or longer) before i can have breakfast or i will throw up
their advice so far: i shall note down my blood pressure in the morning- because its not the heart and not the blood itself
then i told them, i have mornings with Sleep Paralysis and they just said - well then note it when its gone.... ok docs whatever you say
so for my forseeable future if i have to leave the house at 8 i have to set the alarm for 5.30 at the latest- fun times!!!
then i called my dad today because i was freaking out because of my tooth only to learn that yesterday midday my uncle died (in his sleep a sudden heart attack no one was prepared for it) - its really my great uncle and he was a lot of fun to hang around and we did a lot with him - also it was the last remaining brother of my grandfather and he did't take it good when his older brother died, now his younger brother died before him- and we really all start to worry now
since last week my bubble for my work has been busted - my workplace is really all about who you are liked from and who wants you there (my luck is with only 20h i stay mostly under the radar) but really the only person in my department with whom i connected was let go last week for no other reason but that she earned to much because she worked since she was 15 and she is now 53 (here the years of experience sets how much money you get. so she got quite a bit, which i thought is ok) as it turns out thy guy i had a crush on is a huge arse (i'm so glad that that is over and that my hormones just really lead me on) and now work will be boring for me
- i plan to be out there by the start of next year, i'm too good for them anyway
and i somehow got dragged into the dark sides of fandom too- and it made me feel very bad and i didnt like it- fandom is where i am for fun, not to be dragged down, i am all for critic and help and honesty - not for trolling so there goes another bubble
combined with all other stuff that has happened this year i just really think i'm all out of fucks to give
i'm drowning
and i just try to survive somehow anyhow
but really 2015 is doing a very good job at bringing me down to my knees- if i would believe in reincarnation (which i dont) i must have been an utter bastard in a previous life
otherwise it would mean my life just hates me
the plan for now is
that i try to get some descend sleep in my holiday that is coming up
i have to finish bottomD
i have to do something for my theses
there will be a funeral
and there is the medieval fair- i have to stay happy about because i know i was waiting for it all year- but exhaustion has me in its tight grip really... sorry for the rant but i think i might need a hug after all
on a funny note: i find this picture hilarious- i hope you might too XD
last night i somehow managed to hit myself at the wooden frame that makes out my bed in sleep... i lost a quarter of a tooth that i must have swallowed, it bleeds, it hurts and my dentist (one dealing with anxiety patients) is on holiday till the 4th at which time i will be on holiday till the 13 so i have to wait and sit it out- because her replacement is just a regular dentist (at least she warns for that)
yesterday morning i went back to my doctors - and they have no clue what is wrong with me, because my blood is a ok
it's just i have to calculate that in the mornings it takes me roughly an hour to manage to get up from lying down to sitting, that i will be dizzy, and that i can't eat till the dizziness is going away (which may take another hour or longer) before i can have breakfast or i will throw up
their advice so far: i shall note down my blood pressure in the morning- because its not the heart and not the blood itself
then i told them, i have mornings with Sleep Paralysis and they just said - well then note it when its gone.... ok docs whatever you say
so for my forseeable future if i have to leave the house at 8 i have to set the alarm for 5.30 at the latest- fun times!!!
then i called my dad today because i was freaking out because of my tooth only to learn that yesterday midday my uncle died (in his sleep a sudden heart attack no one was prepared for it) - its really my great uncle and he was a lot of fun to hang around and we did a lot with him - also it was the last remaining brother of my grandfather and he did't take it good when his older brother died, now his younger brother died before him- and we really all start to worry now
since last week my bubble for my work has been busted - my workplace is really all about who you are liked from and who wants you there (my luck is with only 20h i stay mostly under the radar) but really the only person in my department with whom i connected was let go last week for no other reason but that she earned to much because she worked since she was 15 and she is now 53 (here the years of experience sets how much money you get. so she got quite a bit, which i thought is ok) as it turns out thy guy i had a crush on is a huge arse (i'm so glad that that is over and that my hormones just really lead me on) and now work will be boring for me
- i plan to be out there by the start of next year, i'm too good for them anyway
and i somehow got dragged into the dark sides of fandom too- and it made me feel very bad and i didnt like it- fandom is where i am for fun, not to be dragged down, i am all for critic and help and honesty - not for trolling so there goes another bubble
combined with all other stuff that has happened this year i just really think i'm all out of fucks to give
i'm drowning
and i just try to survive somehow anyhow
but really 2015 is doing a very good job at bringing me down to my knees- if i would believe in reincarnation (which i dont) i must have been an utter bastard in a previous life
otherwise it would mean my life just hates me
the plan for now is
that i try to get some descend sleep in my holiday that is coming up
i have to finish bottomD
i have to do something for my theses
there will be a funeral
and there is the medieval fair- i have to stay happy about because i know i was waiting for it all year- but exhaustion has me in its tight grip really... sorry for the rant but i think i might need a hug after all
on a funny note: i find this picture hilarious- i hope you might too XD
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2015-08-26 09:43 am (UTC)And I'm very sorry about the loss of your great uncle! He sounded like a great guy and it'll be hard for everyone who's been left behind. But you know, it probably a blessing that he left the workd behind while sleeping - without any harm and pain. Isn't that what we all wish for?
If it's manageable with the tooth, I'd wait for your dentist who's able to help with the anxiety. Maybe you can call them for an appointment during your own holidays?
On the health matter. It sounds really strange to me. I saw you posting about it but was so busy and didn't really think about it (sorry about that). Maybe it's related to your general dark mood at the moment (which really is a possibility). I'd go and get a second opinion. If there's nothing to be found in blood work and other organs (heart, lung, stomach...) than try to see a psychiatrist/therapist about it. It can't be the way to get up every morning at 5.30 just to be able to leave the house at 8. You'll only get more and more tired and nothing will be gained form that.
Ahm, yes, even as a vet I can totally get into doctor's mode. I hope you don't mind.
Try to relax during your holidays and don't worry about the job. From what I know they are lucky that you're working for them right now (you're way more qualified, aren't you?).
Another big hug, hon!
And the iceland/greenland pic is hilarious. :D Thx for sharing!
Sorry about the edits. I really should read my comments before hitting send.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-08-30 05:46 pm (UTC)*hugs* they really helped me
and yes i'm grateful that he died in his sleep - and really i'm already over it, it's just now that i worry a little bit about my grandfather because he really didn't believe he would be the last of the 3 brothers
but for the moment gran says he is doing good and i believe her
and also he still has a lot of ppl he meets and is doing sports and all so you know he has a life- and usually that is not only a good sign but also helps a lot
for the docs- i have to wait but yes i shall seek another opinion because really it's rather sucky - and you can totally go into explaining mode with me- i appreciate it a lot!
thanks so much again
*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2015-08-26 11:24 am (UTC)As for the dark side of fandom - whom do I have to kick?? was someone mean to you??
I love you I care for you, don't let others get you down bebe!
What I also wonder - if you have this extreme dizzyness and nausea every morning, has somebody checked your ears for that? I am not joking, because it sounds as if your Gleichgewichtsorgan might cause trouble, and if they can't find anything please go to a Neurologist.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-08-30 05:49 pm (UTC)*hugs tightly*
i'm so sorry that with everything i bring also bad news on the table- please forgive me!
*hugs*
and know that i also sent you all my strength and my crossed fingers *hugs*
we will make it through won't we?
and you simply are the cutest *hugs*
but dont go kicking ppl- especially not trolls - i was just stupid going into discussion with them, next time i leave them be because no troll-discussion! just no
and yes i got the ear examination- i am great on the balancing scale it was a surprise - even for myself but that i can do XD
(no subject)
Date: 2015-08-26 11:28 am (UTC)Sorry to hear that life has treated you badly for the better part of this year. That sucks. But there are still some months left, so give it a chance to make it up to you! I hope your tooth will behave until your dentist is back.
Yay for medieval fairs, I love those too! Please go there, no matter the current circumstances, and have as much fun as possible. :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2015-08-30 05:51 pm (UTC)i laugh at it a lot XD
and yes i shall go to the fair - i was and slowly am again, way to excited to miss it- it will be great!
and tbh 2015 can kick its own butt for all i care, i just hope it will go by soon XD
thank you for your kind words <3
(no subject)
Date: 2015-08-26 12:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-08-30 05:52 pm (UTC)but as ppl say there will be next year
and i hope i can make it great - i shall give it my all again
*hugs back*
thank you so much for your kind words!
<3