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smirkingcatso yes as many of you know by now, in this year i have been fucked over for really really good! and i am so sick of it!
i know i have faults- many of them, and yes i like to point them out myself, just to not have other ppl say stuff to me like: "sometimes you are so weird". "sometimes you are so cold and uninterested in everything" "you never care!" its true- i have so much on my plate just living with me and myself- my mind is really exhausting sometimes- like yesterday i took out the dishes from the dishwasher and my mind wanted to figure out, how many dishwashers it would take to wash all my dishes at once and how big the room would have to be for that, and if that would not be a problem, how much electricity would be needed - and for what better use that electricity could be used- so yes my mind is weird, always asking stupid questions and trying to figure them out and never just taking something, but wanting to know more- its exhausting tbh and sometimnes i am sick of it! but i live with it and dont complain about it....
and then ppl come and a handful of them i like and do care very much about and others just dont have anybody else and others just want to talk to someone and they dump their shit on me- some openly say the use my brain to figure out their feelings, and for some of my friends i do it as a service and i am just happy to help- you know?
but expecting me to take it all just in is a little bit much!
there are things i will judge you for! i say that openly and never hide it:
so yes i am aware it isnt a short list... but really most of it is common sense and manners - stuff one simply doesn't do
there is also a list about things i wont judge you about:
i guess you are by now knowing where this is going too but i still have to get the rest of my chest anyway
today as i was going my roommate told me she likes ppl and her cat the best when they are pissed off and angry, because then its even more fun to pick on them - and then i said that that is a little sadistic- i didn't mean to judge the sadistic part just was pointing it out- because i know when i am angry and pissed off i am already very vexed and stressed out, and i hate it when someone goes and mocks on my feelings even more and picks even more on me; and then she said: there you go, being all judgemental again I knew you would say something like that again!
and somehow this was steaming in me during my work time
and today work was not a good day- i was somehow dizzy and a little beside myself and it was really hectic and a little lost and i have to get up the ladder and down again, with dizziness this is no fun
and in the evening i went home in the same underground line as two (male) co-workers - i think the male matters here, and because the conversation was very stiff and off, and i think it was my mistake...because i was the female...
but what really was worse was that they asked me what i was studying and i told them - and one of them was saying that that was plain stupid to do and what i was thinking - the other one tried to soften the blow and say it was cool that i stuck to my childhood dream... the situation itself did not really matter to me that much because both of the co-workers are always weird to me, so i just take it
but it got me thinking and thinking
and really the more i thought about it the anger i got, because i have been called judgmental a lot these year, and i am - since i am only human and we humans judge to decide what to do and how to proceed
so, please come again and tell me how much of a judgmental person i am again?!
all it really did was hurting me and making me angry, for i have to be judged all the time, but when i judge some things me is the bad one? sounds fishy to me
but on a happier note - because i try not to let you my dear fl off with all my bad emotions
florence and the machine have a new album out on the 29. may - so happy i cant do the happy dance about it anymore- because happy, exuberant, excited, happy!
and on this awesome new album there is a song! THE SONG
last year in october while working on my owls i started this songfic of mine, but something was missing, the next song, the right song for what i want to say, what the feelings are how it is going
and i waited and searched (went down memory lane, visited the 20ies and the 50ies but no, the song i needed was just not there
BUT now it is- it is on this amazing album ( i already listened to it its amazing)
so i call dips on "What kind of man" because its the missing piece to my fanfic *is so excited about that*
the first time i listened to it i was like: you got to be kidding me, she cant, they cant - this- THIS is exactly what i need!
and then i heard it again and again and again and in my mind there is this "perfect fit!" knowledge now, and i already plotted down how i will do it and maybe - if i find time (after i handed in all that needs to be handed in because overdue is overdue not forgetting here) a willing beta and even more time to edit part one out i will be happy to share it with you! (tbh i dont care if you want it to or not, i just will XP)
so know that i have ended it on a happy note i 've got to go back to writing, because writing!
and i want to apologize for the huge rant but i really needed it to blow of steam to have it off my chest and to let it go...
have a nice evening
i dont even want to know about the mistakes this time - i was writing so much in anger, i think the keybord screamed out in pain sometimes... so just let them be, if you find them you are very welcome to keep them)
i know i have faults- many of them, and yes i like to point them out myself, just to not have other ppl say stuff to me like: "sometimes you are so weird". "sometimes you are so cold and uninterested in everything" "you never care!" its true- i have so much on my plate just living with me and myself- my mind is really exhausting sometimes- like yesterday i took out the dishes from the dishwasher and my mind wanted to figure out, how many dishwashers it would take to wash all my dishes at once and how big the room would have to be for that, and if that would not be a problem, how much electricity would be needed - and for what better use that electricity could be used- so yes my mind is weird, always asking stupid questions and trying to figure them out and never just taking something, but wanting to know more- its exhausting tbh and sometimnes i am sick of it! but i live with it and dont complain about it....
and then ppl come and a handful of them i like and do care very much about and others just dont have anybody else and others just want to talk to someone and they dump their shit on me- some openly say the use my brain to figure out their feelings, and for some of my friends i do it as a service and i am just happy to help- you know?
but expecting me to take it all just in is a little bit much!
there are things i will judge you for! i say that openly and never hide it:
- infidelity - if you are in a closed relationship you have to liive with that, dont go around having sex with strangers and then say you are sorry, or even better dont have two closed relationships at the same time- because then clearly your definition of closed is far of the mark!
- if you pull a booty call on your gf/bf when you know she is a hugger and she is the sensitive type and doesn't enjoy such a thing- pulling such a stunt is plain stupid in my book- and i will tell you so
- if someone put an effort in cleaned everything and you just go and make a mess because you dont care and it is unimportant to you - that is a nasty behavior that gets me on edge
- phones during dinner to be on tublr, instagram, twitter, fb etc etc - manners ppl learn them! they arent so hard!
- if you are asked to put food on your own plate to your liking- and then you dont eat up! no one forced you to take so much! stupidity at its highest
- if you dont have your facts straight - facts are facts there is no guessing no i am pretty sure: there are historic facts you dont have to guess about- if you dont know it, you dont know it! that is no bad thing just be honest enough to say you have no clue!
- if you say you are all grown up and working hard (like 12 h a week) and way to independent to live with a roommate and at the same time your mother pays your rent, your boyfriend buys your stuff and your studies are not going well, while you are quitting your jobs for 3 years but never do- thats just plain lazy and soo not independent
- if you dont have an opinion about anything so that you dont piss anybody off- that is just weak character and makes it impossible to get to know you- if i want to know what john doe is thinking i ask john doe but know i am talking to you! so i clearly want to know more about you and nobody else
so yes i am aware it isnt a short list... but really most of it is common sense and manners - stuff one simply doesn't do
there is also a list about things i wont judge you about:
- i will never judge you for any life decision you made- that was what seemed to be the best option to you in that situation, your best way to operate - and i respect that because i've not been there, you have and you also had to face the consequences not me
- any addiction you got, still have, are batteling down - been there, and i know the last thing one needs there is even more judgmental because at that state you really just dont want to care
- your life situation, your sexuality, your opinion on topics i see different, your opinion in general - i have no right to judge that- its just that simple
- your job! every honest job is a good job - i've myself worked as a cleaning lady, and i one of my friends (i know you are grinning now but yes you have to be named here honourary) is a married prostitute with a child
- that you may live with your parents - if you can, and if you get along with your parents thats great! why not, just dont lie about it and say your parents are living with you, or say you help out when you dont! thats lying!
- i will never judge any wish, dream, fantasy you have about what topic what so ever, everybody has weird sex fantasies, everybody has high wishes and dreams, and everybody is childish sometimes- because its just so much fun- and that is fine in my book
i guess you are by now knowing where this is going too but i still have to get the rest of my chest anyway
today as i was going my roommate told me she likes ppl and her cat the best when they are pissed off and angry, because then its even more fun to pick on them - and then i said that that is a little sadistic- i didn't mean to judge the sadistic part just was pointing it out- because i know when i am angry and pissed off i am already very vexed and stressed out, and i hate it when someone goes and mocks on my feelings even more and picks even more on me; and then she said: there you go, being all judgemental again I knew you would say something like that again!
and somehow this was steaming in me during my work time
and today work was not a good day- i was somehow dizzy and a little beside myself and it was really hectic and a little lost and i have to get up the ladder and down again, with dizziness this is no fun
and in the evening i went home in the same underground line as two (male) co-workers - i think the male matters here, and because the conversation was very stiff and off, and i think it was my mistake...because i was the female...
but what really was worse was that they asked me what i was studying and i told them - and one of them was saying that that was plain stupid to do and what i was thinking - the other one tried to soften the blow and say it was cool that i stuck to my childhood dream... the situation itself did not really matter to me that much because both of the co-workers are always weird to me, so i just take it
but it got me thinking and thinking
and really the more i thought about it the anger i got, because i have been called judgmental a lot these year, and i am - since i am only human and we humans judge to decide what to do and how to proceed
- the fact that i hate my mother! most of my friends tell me i have to work around it, that its not right that i hate my mother, that its wrong, and that i am greatly indebted to her! thanks to kiss i now know that my feelings are just that - my feelings (because this has really bothering me) and no i did not tell her, because that would break her, she can barely deal with the fact that we are not close (she wanted us to be like the gilmore girls, but even her best friend knows that that was just not happening, never did never will, but she is my mother, she lives in the house i spent my holidays in because there is a pool, a garden and most importantly MY CAT- so i deal with her and take her the way she is or walk away - ppl judge me badly for it
- the fact that i studied japanese science and it took me so long: half of my family is the first, half is the second and more than half of the ppl i know are both: they say social science in this day of age is stupid and they dont understand that if i wanted it so much, how could it have been so long, how could i have failed classes if i wanted it so much- well i think social studies are VERY important in this day of age, because we have a responsibility to think about where we as society want to go, and we have to know where we come from, and we need to remember the mistakes we made and i chose japan because i was interested in them (more particularly in the meji- time the 1800-1900 - because they crammed the whole of the industrial evolution in something like 15 years and that is impressive) but my interest doesn't make japanese language less hard or saves me from professors who just dont like me... so yes i failed multiple times in some classes... and no i still dont have my masters degree but i am steadily working on it- i pay my rent, my studies fies and no one else is giving me any money so judge me all you want- i choose to do what i like anyway, till the moment you decide to pay me more to do it your way
- the fact that i am single and living with a roommate. i have turned 28 this year, i have never been in a serious relationship, and my last kiss is so long past i cant really remember it- but really i am contend (yes i crush and fail - because hormones) but love has so far not happened to me- i think its like above, i have just so much to deal with myself, and i am emotionally scarred by a lot of things (disappointing examples of my parents on top of the list) and i have dreams to move around the world and i am rather unsure of myself too... so i am single partly because i choose too, partly because no guy/girl really is that into me or partly because those who are are soo not my type or creepy) i can live with that- just because i turn 30 in 2 years dosent mean i will end up alone and old maid yet... and i dont understand why i should be nicer, dont talk so much, dont say or talk about stuff just because i know, i should let guys show off (according to my gran) because that is not me- and i want my partner to be in love with me, and how i am, not with some mysterious girl i myself have never met;
and i live with a roommate because yes i work, but really vienna is rather expensive on the immobile marked, and i want to have a balcony, with my roommate i get that for a very cheap price, of course i rant about her too, because she pisses me of in many ways too, but i still like her very much and i adore the flat so i try to take it, and most of the time i really really do- i dont see why ppl have any preogrative to judge me for that - the fact that i only work part time and have mondays off - thats my choice! monday is not a working day for me and will never be! no discussion!
- that i want to know so much, and read so much and tell ppl stuff about topics when they think the already know enough- i always try to broaden the horizons of my friends, some of them think i do it to show off- i dont i just want to share my knowledge, so that they know about it too, misunderstandings that has robbed me from getting to know many ppl, but i really cant change, i tried, it didn't seem right
- i bet i have been judged about loads of things i have no influence on - my annoying laugh, for example, but i really dont know any other way to laugh... i take it, not saying anything because that is your opinion and i have to respect it
- for being moody, depressive, burned out and still working. i had a really hard crash with reallity two years ago, and i did so fucking much that i really didn't find any way to go on, but forward, because the present was just to frightening then, ppl now tell me that was no real burn out (please go and visit my doc) ppl also tell me that i am depressed so often its no fun hanging with me (pleas visit my other doc, that tells you about my brain chemistry being off) ppl telling me i look moody, down and sleepy why my face is not smiling and i am just having a everyday face - that is my face, it doesn't come in any other way... still thats moody to them because how can i not be smiling... sometimes its hard for me to find a reason too... really i try and most of the time i can smile a lot, but sometimes its just not going to happen
so, please come again and tell me how much of a judgmental person i am again?!
all it really did was hurting me and making me angry, for i have to be judged all the time, but when i judge some things me is the bad one? sounds fishy to me
but on a happier note - because i try not to let you my dear fl off with all my bad emotions
florence and the machine have a new album out on the 29. may - so happy i cant do the happy dance about it anymore- because happy, exuberant, excited, happy!
and on this awesome new album there is a song! THE SONG
last year in october while working on my owls i started this songfic of mine, but something was missing, the next song, the right song for what i want to say, what the feelings are how it is going
and i waited and searched (went down memory lane, visited the 20ies and the 50ies but no, the song i needed was just not there
BUT now it is- it is on this amazing album ( i already listened to it its amazing)
so i call dips on "What kind of man" because its the missing piece to my fanfic *is so excited about that*
the first time i listened to it i was like: you got to be kidding me, she cant, they cant - this- THIS is exactly what i need!
and then i heard it again and again and again and in my mind there is this "perfect fit!" knowledge now, and i already plotted down how i will do it and maybe - if i find time (after i handed in all that needs to be handed in because overdue is overdue not forgetting here) a willing beta and even more time to edit part one out i will be happy to share it with you! (tbh i dont care if you want it to or not, i just will XP)
so know that i have ended it on a happy note i 've got to go back to writing, because writing!
and i want to apologize for the huge rant but i really needed it to blow of steam to have it off my chest and to let it go...
have a nice evening
i dont even want to know about the mistakes this time - i was writing so much in anger, i think the keybord screamed out in pain sometimes... so just let them be, if you find them you are very welcome to keep them)
