so it’s been a great while since I myself posted anything here at all- even through my past me promised so faithfully; well past me let me tell you that life does in fact not go as we planed or wished for, and let me use this opportunity to lay past- miss happenings to rest
as this is my wish we have to start with something very horrible that still manages to bring tears to my eyes, is that during my summer break 3 years ago on the 29th. of September 2011 my very dear and more like a brother than a pet cat died. it was quite a shock for myself, because he was awesome, big for a cat (bigger than most of the small dogs), mighty, powerful (when we moved to the house my parents built, he was the king of the other cats after mere two weeks and no one of the others dared to mess with him!) and he was good at making odd friendships- there is this sheep in the flock of the neighbors (yeah I live door to door with farmers, it’s pretty cool) and he would sleep on it, while it moved or lay down or was just standing, and it did enjoy it, and sometimes (after lots of days of rain) it would come to the fence and wait for him- that’s just how cool he was!
I got him at the age of 9 and he helped me not only through life and school and all the hell my life turned when I got older, he helped my through the problems with myself too, he made all of it bearable; and then he would listen to all my presentations, to take of the edge for me (my small kitty stayed as long as it was interesting, I figure), and later when I moved to the big city to study Japanese and was only home during holidays, he did not mind me practicing Japanese with him, even though it must have sound pretty bad.
he was an amazing fried, he forgave me when I leashed out on him because I took a great while to get control over my temper, he even go along with the little kitty that we brought home after 6 years where he was our sole hero (and he adored her, not at the beginning but then he had to set down some ground rules, but she grew on him, and he and I knew it, and sometimes even today she misses him too), we had great times! played lots of games- he liked all the cat toys I got for him and all the wool- things I would make for him, and he had a very decent music-taste, made him even more awesome...
in some way I was and still am very glad about having been home for his last day, going with him to the vet, saying good by (crying a lot, because he was in so much pain, and I could do nothing about it, and then the vet couldn’t do anything either) and afterwards I had the worst weeks ever, because my little kitty went on extended search for him, and I could only stay at my parents for one week after, because my university starts at the 1st. of October, and that year my classes took up at the 3rd. but I stayed home till the 7th. little kitty and I did not take it well, but after the visit to the vet and the homecoming I could not cry anymore, took me till Easter holidays 2012 till I could cry on my own for him again… I mean I was prepared to lose my Gran as she died because she was in a bad condition and she didn’t want to go on, all she did was wait for my aunt to come and visit her and say good bye, but he was fine, at least that was the impression he gave, but he was not, and so for me it came out of nowhere and it hurt, a lot, it undid many things in me, and I never realized how dependent on him I was, he was the strong one, little kitty the fun one, and I was the weird one, but we made and awesome trio, and he is missed by both of us…
but then, life moved on, in its cruel way as it always does and I finished my B.A. in February 2012 and was very glad about it, because it was a lot of work and I did my best.
in April, when I was learning to cry again I had monetary issues and had to go through a nerve wrecking lawsuit for my alimony money with my biological father to whom I have as little as possible contact, because he is not very nice and I don’t like him and I’m glad I have another father to whom I can look up to, because he sucks!
well, it took till the end of August and in the beginning of September I was informed that it was in my right to do my graduate program. and so I did, and he had to (and still must) pay for it (and just so you know he pays the absolute minimum and I could have at least the double of the sum he pays but I am nice, and I just want to get over with it and never ever see him again and I don’t mind working on the weekend)
so in October 2012 I finally started my graduate classes for real and they were a lot of fun and exactly what I would want from them to be- but I never just get lucky. life likes to remind me that luck is a gift not a right, so I got some very alarming results from my yearly health examinations, which lead to lots and lots of visits to different kinds of doctors, and well my brain is doing a good job but not a very precise job anymore. Some of the hormones are of the charge in a way to high and others in a way to low kind, so yes I have very bad and though depressions, but no not from the mind and the psychological me but because of my biological brain- which sucks even more! Because most of the meds out there I can’t take without even worse side effects (drug related stuff in my youth) and the others don’t help really, so I have to live through my depressions- and let me tell you there are reasons why depressions are a health matter and here in my country you can have paid leave if you are diagnosed with it, it’s hard just to get through the waking up and getting up mornings, don’t even let me start about whole days! but then because I was so ashamed being diagnosed with depressions and brain problems (and some other kind of stuff related to it) in my young age I never called in sick, and even if I would have, it would have been nearly 6 months from early November till mid- May of 2013… so I just gave it my hardest when I was around people and tried to learn how to live with it, when I was alone.
what I learned due to my condition is never again to underestimate the meaning of food, I had a special training and have to keep a close watch at what I consume, because apparently what we eat influences our brains a lot!
in 2013 I moved twice! and it was so good and such happy times- no it was not! no it was not, basically I was at my maximum stress level and it did no good for anything- because I still had all my classes, which I passed btw, and I still worked on the weekends), but I could not helped it. first I moved in February and March in a student home again. after 4 years I was back in a student home, with no flat on my own again. but at least this time I got a room for my own and only shared the bathroom and the kitchen with (here it comes!) 3 guys – two of it very nice the third not so much, but well it was alright till the third got a gir friend and she was a screamer (!) and he lived in the room next to mine! (would not have mattered because even the one living as far away as possible in our 4 room/two baths/one big kitchen kinda-flat could hear her) what was worse was as once they did it on the desk in his room, which was put to the shared wall with my room, and somehow because they did it rough or something, my books fell out of my shelf! and another time before I got my earplugs they were so loud that the guy in the room on the other side of mine had to laugh so hard, because it was like 3 o’ clock in the morning and he had to get up at 5.50 to go to work and he could not sleep because that night they started at around 21.00 and then rested and started again and rested again and I was like in puberty hell and the other roommate was there with me I guess. but thank god for earplugs they helped a big deal, and anyway I moved out of there in august and now I am living in the most amazing flat I could find in that damn city, it is in the suburbs, with lots of greens, no tramway there, just buses, and the underground (only 12 min away by foot) but those I do not hear, and I have a nice balcony! I do love my balcony! and the flat is so big and I share it with a friend, because it was her flat and she took me in, because so she could start with her second-chance- education, because man that is fucking expensive!
in October of 2013 I started my last year at the university, with a whole shit of classes because my department of study affairs refused to acknowledge some of the hours I took for my other study – I am an graduate Japanese studies, and a 2nd major software engineering, and as a sociological study Japanese studies deals with statistics- I took one year of statistics at the Institute of Technology, talking about 16 fucking ECTS- credits or nearly 400 hours (1 ECTS- credit = 25 hours of study) of study of statistics, more than my professors at the Japanese institute ever took, I know a lot more about statistics than any of them, but they refused! so I had to get my compulsory optional subjects ( in whole I have to do 20 ECTS- credits so I hope you can see why I am so angry) in one year, that’s a lot of pressure, I can tell you, but well no choice there, and I could not choose what to take, I took everything on offer, because well I needed a lot of hours...
but then also was there something very new too- for the first time in ever I left the manga/anime/original fiction realm and stumbled across some real fan- slash. it all started with this
deviantart and lead to this
awesome and very hot one and then because of it to fan fiction. so those who know me know how I obsess about things (watching all the Sailor Moon seasons all in one go nearly yearly, watching 46 episodes of a good anime in one go, watching J- Doramas in one go, reading 1000 pages of a book in 3 to 4 days because its amazing, and because of it I reread it only one week after and I could go on) so those people know what I did (and still do today) I read till daybreak, tried to get all the information I could around the cannon (still could not figure out Loona Lovegood and some guy named Rolf) cruised the wikis and everything and I still enjoy it a lot, there are many nice folks in the fandom, and you do not believe the awesome and amazing authors and artists – breathtaking and heartbreaking!
well, even though this all, I still managed to pass ALL my classes the last two terms- last of my graduate course ended on the 1st. of July 2014 and all that is left for me becoming a Master of Arts is to write my Master- thesis and pass the last oral exam about it now. it’s a good feeling, and some of the pressure has faded away, and I am very glad about it
so now I am on break at home again, with my little kitty and only going back to my flat in the city on weekends for the same old bread selling job I have since 2009 but will not be doing after 31.12.2014! because I plan to become a full-time- employ or at least a part-timer in my future dream company (and my chances are not bad at all)
I still have lots of books to read and figure out how to start the writing process of my big final thesis but well I had some free-time and holiday now so it will be fine with some of the energy I got back from doing nothing, and maybe I can finally set out doing what past me wanted to do all those years ago and get my journal here so organized that you can take something useful from it away, to make it so I will be focusing on the stuff I know which will be
• Sociology – especially Japanese sociology
• Gender studies
• Theories about Identity and Sexuality
• Programming tricks and knacks (maybe)
• Reviewing anime/movies/books/music
• And with a HUGE maybe including some recommendations in the Harry Potter fandom, I am not very sure about that because capitu
is doing here
a very amazing and great job and most of the stories I read in the beginning where found through her site! that’s just how amazing she recommends! and if you are interested I just can tell you to start there too
so this is so far so good for now! it was very hard to go through some of the things again and I just realized how emotional I still was about some of the things that happened in the past years… glad most of it is over now…
have a nice time and hopefully you can expect something from me again very soon!